the art of farting

to kick things off, i'm posting an old essay of mine :)

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i farted. in public.

it happened in the gym. after a few minutes jogging at the treadmill, i went over to the water cooler for a drink. i was pondering the merits of hale's second album (it sucked. don't buy it.), and then BAM! it happened.

it may have been because of the kamote-q i had earlier for snacks. kamote has a very bad reputation of making one's tummy full of gas. consider yourself warned.

fortunately, none of the people there actually knew me, and none of them was directly near me when it happened. but nonetheless, it happened. i farted. in public. in public!!! and that fart brought with it my own embarassment.

those who have cared to think about farts have classified them into three categories. first, the loud and proud fart. this is more comparable to a dog whose bark is louder than it's bite. it announces its presence to the world ("hello! i am a fart. nice to meet you.") and then is gone. second, the silent but deadly fart. these ones are like assassins lurking in the shadows, or more appropriately, nerve gas. very hard to detect, you never really know that it's just floating there until it assaults your olfactory system and it's too late, you're a goner. and lastly, the wet and wild fart. don't even ask.

unluckily for me, it was the loud and proud kind of fart. well, not really loud in the booming kind of way. it was more like a sharp sound, made even sharper by my own shame. from the sound of it, it was as if my insides were full of air heaving mightily to get out, and my sphincter in a valiant yet futile attempt to stop it. but the fart sounded loud enough for me to hear even if i still had my earphones on, playing music at full volume.

for a moment, i considered fleeing from the scene of the crime. but that would only have confirmed my own guilt in front of everybody. just when my embarassment reached the intensity enough to tear myself apart, then my psychological defense mechanisms started kicking in.

phase one: denial. "no, they couldn't have heard it... but then i heard it! and i have my earphones on full volume! oh crap..."

phase two: delusion. "i'll just imagine it didn't happen. everything is all right with the world. tralalalala..." but my delusions were too flimsy to carry the weight of my embarassment: "shit... it's not working".

so on to phase three: defiance. "so what if they heard me fart? who cares if they make of fun of me? if they make fun of me, then i'll... i'll... aaaaarggghh!!!"

finally, phase four: acceptance.

so i farted. i would rather have the good air in and the bad air out. anyway, i think it's unhealthy to withhold your fart when your body deems it necessary to be withdrawn. better outside than in.

so i farted. to be human means to fart. i fart, therefore i am. i can think of it as a confirmation that i am normal. everybody farts, so why trouble myself? you and me, kings and queens, presidents and popes, and even angelic beings like angel locsin, angel aquino, and angelina jolie, we all fart. i remember michel de montaigne saying: "upon the highest throne in the world, we are seated, still, on our asses."

so i farted. to live in denial of your ability to fart is to live in denial of your own body. and farting is, by design, part of the package. unless of course you're a mutant, or an alien, or a cyborg. chances are, you're not. so why do we keep demanding from ourselves that we not fart, when it is part of our nature to? again, montaigne: "it is not clever of man to tailor his obligations to the standards of a different kind of being", be it mutant, alien, or cyborg.

so i farted. we seem to live under the notion that we are and should be in total control of our bodies. but we don't, and we can't. mind doesn't always come over matter. we fart in the company of strangers. we stink, burp, feel the urge to piss or shit, or even get horny at moments we need it most not to. and yet that is the most natural thing that can happen to us. the least we can do is live with it, and not tear ourselves apart on the occasional rebellion of some of our body parts.

so i farted. at least i am here able to fart, and able to hear myself fart. so i cherish these days when i can still fart, and hear myself fart, for the day is coming when i will be no longer able to do that. and that day is coming for us all.

that last one really hit me. oh boy, was i happy i farted.

disclaimer: i am not encouraging everyone to take up the license to fart freely and proudly in public. that would be plain rude. and it certainly won't endear you to anyone.

and that is how i lived with the embarrassment of having farted in public.